A few days ago as I was doing some much-belated spring cleaning, I came across an old friend's business card, who I've been meaning to reconnect with but sadly forgot, and it ended up in the mix of things. We met at church years ago and also did come painting together for the high school room. Well, he was more the painter than I, I'm more the graphic designer, but I still enjoy it when I get the chance. I've done a few acrylic paintings myself but not on the scale that he does.
Anyways, after a little searching I finally came upon his website and was pretty impressed at his current work! Some of his work looked like it came right out of the portfolio of Doug Chiang himself, honestly. So I emailed him from there and the rest is history. We got reconnected and I'm hoping to meet up with him either this weekend or next week. What's interesting is that I've been meaning to take a trip over to Huntington Beach to check out small clothing store called L.I.F.T. and he isn't far from there so I thought that was an amazing coincidence! (After a little searching for the link, however, I'm not finding their online store. Hope it's not closed now.)
What would be really nice is if we started collaborating on some projects! =)
Friday, July 17, 2009
Anger & Preserving Personal Worth - Pt 1
In many cases, anger is ignited when the person perceives rejection or invalidation. Whether or not that is the message intended by the speaker, the angry person feels that his or her dignity has been demeaned. ~Carter & Minirth
I read that 'perceptions are more powerful than intentions', and how true that is, especially in my own life. I've been battling with temper and anger for almost all of my life and I'm now at a place in my life where it seriously needs to be understood and dealt with, for fear that my future relationships will be endangered. I don't want to lose the people I love the most, but anger can almost guaranteed bring even the closest relationship to a halt in a moment! And through God's mercies have I learned a good deal about myself through past group counseling sessions, but this time it requires digging deeper into unresolved issues that need to be faced, something that was never truly touched upon, at least not on a thoughtful, personal level like now.
I've started reading a book that was recommended to me, The Anger Workbook, and it's already ministering to me and bringing things to light about myself and how I deal with my own value in relation to others. This book also touches on the spiritual aspect of ourselves as well, which helps me tremendously. But when I say 'spiritual' it doesn't mean I'm going to tackle this issue on some 'blind faith' which people tend to say. Because first, one of the root causes of my own internal battle is based on my value as a person. I've realized that this value should always be measured in relation to God's value for me, and not a person's, not friend's, not family...no one. And although I value her opinion very much, whom I'll call SM, I'm never to rely on her words or actions as a standard with which to measure my own intrinsic value, which should already be established and firm.
I usually get hurt the most when I feel like I'm not a priority to her (or anyone), when I feel put off, or I don't feel like she's considering me. If I feel forgotten, I'll get irritated inside. (By the way, things like irritation, frustration, even shutting down and not talking, are all forms of anger inside us.) If she doesn't call back soon enough, I start getting upset. When she didn't even make time for me, even for a second, I feel like I'm not a priority to her. All these feelings I described are making me aware that I've been relying too much on her actions towards me as a measure of my worth, rather than relying on the worth that's already been established by God. I feel undervalued, unworthy, and not a priority.
But in Matthew 13:45-46 Jesus says, "Again, the kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it!" We are those pearls of great price. I am that pearl of great worth, and I can never forget that! When I start looking for that in other people, especially a loved one, of course I can start feeling devalued cause we are more prone to letting each other down. Les Carter goes on to say 'We need to choose to accept our worth, even when another human chooses not to. This choice can have a major effect on the intensity of our angry emotions. It doesn't mean we will stop experiencing anger, but we will be less affected by others.' SM would tell me from time to time 'we need to choose our battles'. She was right; but I was always under the impression that each 'battle' needed to be worked on to improve our relationship. Little did I realize that this battle wasn't 'ours'...it was mine, one which came up again and again in the form of anger, sometimes rage, because of that very notion that I felt wronged or hurt or unconsidered by her. Of course, at the time, I felt very justified by what I was saying. But when justification is followed by rage, by hitting things, even yelling, afterwards, justification takes a back seat and humility takes it's place.
In church, there's an unwritten order of devotion: First Jesus, then Others, then You. Someone once put it into an acronym that spells JOY, cause when our priorities take that order, Joy should be the outcome. And I gotta be honest, I had it all backwards, with ME being on top. Cause it was always about me, my needs, my wants, even my desires. Me, me, me, and it didn't do us any good! I didn't realize how selfish I could be until I was in our relationship, which for the most part was filled with love and consideration. But me, I was asking too much. I was being too selfish with her, I was clinging too tightly. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that my dad left us when I was a toddler, perhaps that's why I cling to things so tightly now and am almost afraid to let go. I think that that is one aspect that I'm dealing with here.
So if clinginess and fear of losing someone is causing this demise, then perhaps I need to do the opposite: let go, and let the Lord worry about our future, whether there's reconciliation or not, and in my future relationships. I need to not worry so much about the outcome, but leave the future in the hands of my Maker, who knows the future! And that's what I need to start doing, cause worrying about it won't add one day to my life. =)
I read that 'perceptions are more powerful than intentions', and how true that is, especially in my own life. I've been battling with temper and anger for almost all of my life and I'm now at a place in my life where it seriously needs to be understood and dealt with, for fear that my future relationships will be endangered. I don't want to lose the people I love the most, but anger can almost guaranteed bring even the closest relationship to a halt in a moment! And through God's mercies have I learned a good deal about myself through past group counseling sessions, but this time it requires digging deeper into unresolved issues that need to be faced, something that was never truly touched upon, at least not on a thoughtful, personal level like now.
I've started reading a book that was recommended to me, The Anger Workbook, and it's already ministering to me and bringing things to light about myself and how I deal with my own value in relation to others. This book also touches on the spiritual aspect of ourselves as well, which helps me tremendously. But when I say 'spiritual' it doesn't mean I'm going to tackle this issue on some 'blind faith' which people tend to say. Because first, one of the root causes of my own internal battle is based on my value as a person. I've realized that this value should always be measured in relation to God's value for me, and not a person's, not friend's, not family...no one. And although I value her opinion very much, whom I'll call SM, I'm never to rely on her words or actions as a standard with which to measure my own intrinsic value, which should already be established and firm.
I usually get hurt the most when I feel like I'm not a priority to her (or anyone), when I feel put off, or I don't feel like she's considering me. If I feel forgotten, I'll get irritated inside. (By the way, things like irritation, frustration, even shutting down and not talking, are all forms of anger inside us.) If she doesn't call back soon enough, I start getting upset. When she didn't even make time for me, even for a second, I feel like I'm not a priority to her. All these feelings I described are making me aware that I've been relying too much on her actions towards me as a measure of my worth, rather than relying on the worth that's already been established by God. I feel undervalued, unworthy, and not a priority.
But in Matthew 13:45-46 Jesus says, "Again, the kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it!" We are those pearls of great price. I am that pearl of great worth, and I can never forget that! When I start looking for that in other people, especially a loved one, of course I can start feeling devalued cause we are more prone to letting each other down. Les Carter goes on to say 'We need to choose to accept our worth, even when another human chooses not to. This choice can have a major effect on the intensity of our angry emotions. It doesn't mean we will stop experiencing anger, but we will be less affected by others.' SM would tell me from time to time 'we need to choose our battles'. She was right; but I was always under the impression that each 'battle' needed to be worked on to improve our relationship. Little did I realize that this battle wasn't 'ours'...it was mine, one which came up again and again in the form of anger, sometimes rage, because of that very notion that I felt wronged or hurt or unconsidered by her. Of course, at the time, I felt very justified by what I was saying. But when justification is followed by rage, by hitting things, even yelling, afterwards, justification takes a back seat and humility takes it's place.
In church, there's an unwritten order of devotion: First Jesus, then Others, then You. Someone once put it into an acronym that spells JOY, cause when our priorities take that order, Joy should be the outcome. And I gotta be honest, I had it all backwards, with ME being on top. Cause it was always about me, my needs, my wants, even my desires. Me, me, me, and it didn't do us any good! I didn't realize how selfish I could be until I was in our relationship, which for the most part was filled with love and consideration. But me, I was asking too much. I was being too selfish with her, I was clinging too tightly. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that my dad left us when I was a toddler, perhaps that's why I cling to things so tightly now and am almost afraid to let go. I think that that is one aspect that I'm dealing with here.
So if clinginess and fear of losing someone is causing this demise, then perhaps I need to do the opposite: let go, and let the Lord worry about our future, whether there's reconciliation or not, and in my future relationships. I need to not worry so much about the outcome, but leave the future in the hands of my Maker, who knows the future! And that's what I need to start doing, cause worrying about it won't add one day to my life. =)
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