Temporary Relief

I can finally breathe a little better now that OTS is over! And I think I did really well on this last test...we didn't get to grade our papers like last time, but judging from the questions he went over with us, I think I did well! My only concern now is hoping I did well enough on the tests and essays to make up for my lack of work on the OTI tests and workbook, a lack that resulted from taking on tooo much in my life during this class. I hope I passed, I really do. Now on to the next class in about a month or so, meaning bible classes...I will definitely be ready for those and make sure my plate is empty! My next class doesn't start for about 2 weeks so I can relax more and even get a head start on my Marketing class coming up. Righteous! lol

Well, this was on my heart today and I think it's time to give a confession here and now, not only to reaffirm my own beliefs and conviction but also to share the burden, because I also feel responsible for this course of action. And whomever realizes who I am here and what I did, I only pray for mercy and grace as the Lord also grants us. Basically, I got caught up in my feelings for a married woman, whom also got attached to me. It all started with long emails that I actually looked forward to practically every night. In the beginning she was such a blessing to me, and I had nothing but a genuine affection and love for this woman. But as time went on I realized that I was getting very attached, and I'd look forward to both emails and IM on a daily basis. Also, I felt a deep connection to her, like none that I feel with just anyone, and I think this is what sparked my interest in her. It could very well be that on top of that that I was looking for Ms. Right to come along and getting anxious. Well, 'Ms.' turned out to be 'Mrs.' and we were heading out in the wrong direction with this relationship of ours. We started meeting after work and getting to know each other more. It wasn't long before the question of 'where is thing going' came up, and became a matter of 'all or nothing'. We couldn't avoid that any longer.

One particular night that question was brought up to me, the question of 'Would I be willing to have an affair.' I was speechless, cause I knew right then that it would be all or nothing, and inside I knew what was right, and so did she. And that night was the turning point and end of our 'affair'. She was convicted by all this, and I became so, also. Now during this time, I had been praying that I would never do anything dishonorable to her and that the Lord would step in and intervene in this thing, cause I was also becoming convicted. I have to praise God that it didn't go any further than being purely emotional, but...at the same time, I'm reaping the effects of it, also, cause emotion can have as much or more of an effect on one's heart and mind. Well, after several attempts to finally stop deliberately seeing one another, we cut loose, realizing the seriousness and impact it was making, especially on her husband. One time in particular, probably the last time, I was convicted by the fact that her husband was calling her repeatedly without her answering, and I knew...I couldn't stand in the way any longer cause I could see how much it was tearing her apart. We were tearing one another apart emotionally because we were at a standstill...what we wanted, we could not have. There's only one way to go in that case, and reality had to be faced. We went our own ways...

Although it still affects me and will take time to heal, I realize that we made a choice, and that choice peirced our hearts and caused separation, the same way sin separates us from the Lord. That's what sin does...it tears people apart, and it will make sure you suffer if it can. But that's exactly what our Lord died for, and it can be avoided, and I need to make sure I leave that sin at the cross and instead put on His righteousness, so that mistakes like these can be avoided, the mistake of letting the flesh lead, and not the Spirit. For if the Spirit would have been my guide, pain could have been avoided, for both of us. And even then, I have confidence that the Lord will heal us and make what was tragic into a thing of beauty, shaped by His hands, and not ours. He has a way of healing relationships that left me in awe, that was unexpected, and left me praising Him.=)

Today I'm in constant prayer for the healing of our souls, and the mending of our hearts, made possible by the direction of God who's been dealing with my own life. I pray that her's is one filled with healing and love and a renewed Spirit, and that her marriage is a blessing beyond measure.=)

I hate writing long posts, and this will probably be the longest! But whether this is for my own learning or another's, I hope to look back someday with more wisdom, more knowledge and more understanding, and a life that is free of sin and filled with the Spirit. =o)