Two different variables we touch on when listening to another are both the content and feelings. We should be able to detect first, what the problem is, and second, what her feelings are. (Her will mean his/her throughout) For example, your friend is telling you that she's totally frustrated with her roommate because she constantly borrows her clothes without asking and eats her food too. The content is her roommates constant 'borrowing' of both clothes and food. The feelings are of frustration. These two go hand in hand when solving issues with another person.
For most of us we immediately want to solve the issue or give our best advice as to solving this problem. However, in order to investigate this issue more thoroughly and accurately, reflection is necessary. To reflect means to come alongside her to help her understand her feelings about this situation better, hence coming up with the right plan and words to say to her roommate. Maybe she's dealing with an issue of not being stern and standing her ground, or fear of confronting others. Instead of trying to just come up with a 'quick fix' it would benefit her more if she understood why she's facing this issue in the first place. If she can come to an understanding of herself better at this point in life, future instances will be easier to face and to deal with. Helping her come to an understanding of her feelings and actions will help her to deal more effectively with others. This is why reflection is preferred over simply repairing the situation. It's almost like not knowing how to change a tire, for instance. You can keep having friends or family or neighbors keep doing it for you if you want, making life a little harder, especially if it happens in the middle of nowhere! Or...you can have someone show you how to do it yourself, saving alot of time and frustration. Though this illustration is simplified, it's the basis of initiating reflection when dealing with an issue: it's used to 'teach' another how to deal more effectively with an issue by giving her the means, or tools, necessary to do the job.
Remember, know the content and feelings associated with the issue, then use reflection to come up with a solution that's effective not only for the present issue, but for future ones, too! =)
2 comments:
Men always seem to want to fix, rather than just listen and sympathize. Women don't want it to be fixed. They want someone to been compassionate and tender with them... hearing their problems and offering empathy. You do that well.
I guess I've learned to just sit and listen and offer comfort before just giving my advice right away, cause some issues can be too complex to be considered a quick fix. And thanks for the compliment..I do try =)
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